Monday, August 08, 2005


I wrote in an earlier post, last week, that I didn't think my problem was binging. But I've been thinking about that a lot lately. And I think I was lying to myself, and the Internet, when I wrote that. Yes it is true that I have a major problem with eating in social situations. It is no doubt my biggest obstacle. But that isn't the only reason that I weigh what I do. I too, like so many others out there, use food as an emotional crutch.

Two years ago, when I moved to Washington D.C., I was all alone. I was so excited, I was moving across the country ALL BY MYSELF and I was going to go to grad school. But I was also terrified. I was leaving my family, who'd been no more than 45 minutes away for my entire life. Now they were going to be a 4 hour plane ride, minimum. I was leaving the boy and attempting a long distance relationship. I've always been an independent person; it's something I pride myself on. But it can also be overwhelming to be alone.

My mom drove out to D.C. with me and helped me set up my apartment. I had no furniture. I had a bed, a desk, and a T.V. stand with a tiny T.V. on it. I had an empty living room. No couch, no nothing. The day my mom left I sat on the floor in that empty room and cried. My dog was scared to death. But he couldn't have been half as scared as I was. So I ordered a pizza. Pizza Hut pan pizza, black olives only. And I got a bottle of wine. A bottle of wine and a pizza from Pizza Hut became my new friends.

Grad school is hard. And making new friends in a new city is hard. There were countless nights in those first months when I ordered that pizza and drank that wine. And sure, all the while I tried to maintain a diet program of some sort. But I binged when I was sad, when I missed the boy and my family, and when the work just got too stressful. Because I thought those things could fill me up.

I haven't binged in a while. I've lost 30 lbs since those days. I've gained 15 of them back, but it wasn't due to binging. I'm back to losing those pounds now, and I'm feeling good about where I'm going. I'm finally back home, in a city where I'm happy. I have my family and friends and the boy close at hand. And I'm using my free time to do things I've always wanted to do, like ride a bike further than I ever imagined.

I may see the dormant binging monster that lies inside of me wake up once more. He may be gone for good. I'm not going to lie and say that Pizza Hut and a bottle of wine don't appeal to me right now, at this very minute. But right now, I like how I'm feeling mentally. And I don't want to ruin that with grease and alcohol. I don't need those things to fill me up.

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