Tuesday

Leftover minestrone soup for dinner for the third night in a row. Wow. I actually am still enjoying it too. I think it has too many carbs though. I need more protein. I've been tracking my calories and what not and I definitely haven't been getting enough. Such is life. I just don't enjoy meat all that much. I was a vegetarian for a while. I still don't eat red meat. But I definitely need the protein, so I'll keep trying to force it down.

I know I can eat beans, and tofu, and soy, and I do eat all of that, I promise. But sometimes those things get old. It's funny, I always tell the boy that hamburgers on TV look so good, but I would never in a million years eat one. If I was presented with a hamburger right in front of my face, I would probably gag. My office is above a restaurant and sometimes I can literally smell the charred flesh. How's that for a mental picture?

So I'm not getting enough protein, but I am doing okay in other areas. I went to the gym tonight and took a spinning class and lifted weights, for a total of 1 hour and 45 minutes at the gym. Hardcore! The trainer has me on a new cardio schedule because he wants me to do the triathlon. Maybe I already told you guys that. I don't know. It's six days a week though, with only Sunday to rest. Daaaaaauuuuuuummmm! If I don't lose weight with this schedule I swear to god I'm going to kick someone in the face. And it might be Ronald McDonald.

I'm supposed to do a 30 min run tomorrow at 70% max heart rate, which I think is around 134 for me. Oh yeah, like I can actually run and keep my heart rate that low. It'll more likely be a fast walk/jog occasionally. If I actually start running my heart rate will skyrocket. But that's the whole point of this I guess. I'm building my cardio base right now so that in the future I'll be able to run faster with less exertion.

On Thursday I'll attempt to get back in the pool. The trainer said I only have to do 12 minutes to start, so that should be easy enough. It's when I get in for long periods of time that will suck the big one. Yick.

Also, I forgot to mention that I ran into the trainer on Friday night out at the karaoke bar. I may or may not have had about 5 or so beers by that point and was fairly drunk. Oopsie. Oh well, I'm human and I'm sure he knows that. He knows it for sure now. :P I'm off to watch the Olympics now and attempt my 9:30 bedtime.

Minestrone Soup

I made the most awesome, healthy dinner tonight. Can you believe it? I actually cooked! A friend of mine gave me a minestrone soup recipe, sans actual measurements of course, and I figured it out and actually made it. Delicious.

First, saute celery, onion, carrot, and garlic.
Next, add squash, zucchini, and potato.
Blend 1/2 cup white beans with 1/2 cup vegetable stock.
Add blended mixture with the rest of a box of vegetable stock, a can of kidney beans and a can of white beans.
Watch the yummy flavors blend.
Finally, add 1/2 cup of orzo and a sprig of rosemary and cook until orzo is al dente.
Serve with a piece of garlic bread and a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese on top.

So yummy, filling, and healthy. Too bad I can't say that for the rest of my meals this weekend. I just can't seem to get my motivation back. You think I'd be all about losing this weight now that I'm getting married in less than nine short months, but I'm not. Dammit! I was really hoping this would be the catalyst I needed. I'm still pushing through and doing okay, but not great. Feh.

At least the soup was good!

Sleep

I haven't been getting much of it over the past couple of weeks due to all of the excitement going on in my life. I've always been one of those people that could sleep 9 or 10 hours a night if my life would let me. I don't know if it has to do with being overweight or what, but I just love a really good night's sleep. When I didn't have a job this past summer, I would go to bed around 12:30 and just wake up naturally around 9:30 or 10. It was so great. I felt so good during that time.

Nowadays I probably get about seven hours a night, with maybe 9 or 10 on weekends if I don' t go out. I'm tired a lot, and I think I complain about it a lot. I know I complain about it a lot. I know seven hours probably sounds like enough to some people, but it just isn't for me right now. I have no idea what I'll do when I have a kid (not happening anytime soon mind you). People say you get used to it, but I just can't imagine waking up every 2 hours.

I've read that sleep is essential to weight loss. Your body needs that time to get out all of the toxins and repair muscles and do all of that good stuff. And if you don't get enough sleep, your body can't do its job. So is it possible that I'd be losing more quickly if I was sleeping more? Or is this just wishful thinking and me trying to make excuses? I don't know. I do know that its very unlikely I'll go to bed earlier than 11 on any given work night. Which means I end up with about seven hours.

Is it possible that sleep is the magic ingredient? Would I be happier if I slept more? I'm going to do an experiment next week and find out. I'll try to go to bed by 9:30 every night and see what happens. Wish me luck.

So...

It's Valentine's Day, and I'm sitting home alone eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, so maybe now would be a good time to tell you about the big proposal! The boy had to go to San Francisco today on business, so I'm home by myself, but I'm okay with it, because I get to look at my ring!

So Wednesday night, I went to spinning, got home and dinner was on the table. Grey sole with orzo, grilled asparagus, and wine. Delicious. He cooks sometimes, so I didn't think it was strange, but it did look beautiful. Anyway, long story short, we had a great dinner but I thought it was just dinner. I got up to take a dish to the sink, and he sort or ran around the table, pushed me back down in my chair, got down on one knee, and proposed! It was so romantic. I'm so happy I cannot even tell you right now!

We went to D.C. for a whirlwind weekend of celebrating and I ate waaaaaaay too much but I'm okay with it for now. I weighed in yesterday up two pounds, but I'm not going to claim it because I think its just carb bloat, etc.

So now comes the hard part. It is possible we might try to do this in November, which means I have nine months to get to goal.

Nine months.

Oh.
My.
God.

When I've been trying to do this my entire life, I'm now going to attempt it in nine months?

Yes. But there's one caveat. Well maybe a couple. I will not treat myself poorly, and I will not have negative thoughts, even if I don't lose one more pound. I am happy and in love and I know the boy loves me just the way I am. I want to do this for me. But I can see my life now. And it's going to be great no matter what.

Be Back Soon!

You guys, I'm engaged! I don't have much time, but I just wanted to let you know that things are a whirlwhind right now, and I'm headed back to D.C. today to see some friends for the weekend and celebrate with the boy! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it! Time to get in fighting shape!!!

I'll be back soon, sometime next week. Until then, have a great weekend!

Figuring it Out

Maintained this week. Still at 187.5. Eh. I guess at least it isn't a gain. So that's good. But you know I like to see that movement. I guess I'm about five weeks in, so maybe that's about the time my body is trying to re-calibrate or something. Also, time of the month intervenes. Or maybe I just effed up this week with food.

I absolutely bought a carton of B&J chocolate fudge brownie frozen yogurt and found myself running to the freezer three days in a row to eat out of the carton. Not a good situation. But I learned something, I'm not ready for just a little frozen yogurt, and so I threw the carton out with at least a serving left. I think I'm not ready for any sugar at all. I've been avoiding it for the past five weeks, and I'm going to stick to that. It's obviously been working for me up to this point, so I may as well continue. I can still have one "bad" day or day with dessert, etc., but that doesn't mean having a fake dessert every single day.

I am still rocking it on the working out front. Even so, I've been thinking a lot about the goal I set this year of doing a sprint triathlon, and I'm not sure I'm going to be ready for it. I fear I got caught up in something a lot of bloggers and a lot of my friends are doing, but I'm not sure I'm committed to it and ready for it. Maybe by the time the summer rolls around I will be, but for right now I want to focus on losing this weight rather than full-on training for a sporting event. I'm still tinkering with it, but I'm not sure.

In the mean time, I did go to spinning tonight and it felt great! I haven't been to this instructor before and she kicks ass! She is in awesome shape, I mean to-die-for shape, and she pushed it like I have never seen. And she made me push it too and it felt great. I can't wait to get back outside and get back on the bike. I guess its the running and swimming part of the triathlon that I'm just not sure I'm going to be ready for. I haven't been swimming in a month or so, and I just can't get excited about getting back in the pool. I'm too focused on completing my weight routines and getting cardio in on the treadmill, elliptical, and bike.

So I guess I'm just not really sure what I'm wanting to do about it all. I'm sure this post is completely random because I'm just blathering on about it all. I do want to achieve all of the goals I set out for myself. But some goals take priority. And right now I guess the weight loss has got to take priority. If I've lost enough weight by April or so, maybe I'll work on on the triathlon thing. If not, maybe I'll postpone the triathlon until next year.

Title

Hey people. Sorry I haven't been around much. I've been kind of down. I weighed in with the trainer on Tuesday, and according to him it had taken me 5 weeks to lose .75 inches on my waist, .75 from my hips, and nothing from my arms and legs. I was seriously bummed. I've been working out so much. And trying so hard with food. I don't know what it is, but I guess things just aren't clicking inside my body.

And to top it off, this week hasn't been that great with food. It's that time of the month, and I'm hungry and lacking willpower. I've had three diet sodas in the past two days. I've had two tootsie rolls, and some Ben and Jerry's. It was frozen yogurt, but still. This is not in the plan. And if I start letting these little things sneak their way back into my diet, I'm setting myself up for failure. So I'm trying to get re-focused, but I'm just down and blah about it all. I guess I'm just pre-occupied with some other things right now.

Woot!

Down 2 lbs today! Yippee! I looked over my journal for the past week, and to be honest, I really think its getting the veggies in in the morning that's doing it for me. I'm definitely sticking to WW points (old habits die hard) but I'm doing it differently this time.

For instance, last year one points, I'd hoard and hoard so that I could have 3 glasses of wine. This year, I'm trying to limit alcohol to one day a week. Last year, probably at least 6 or 7 points a day went to junk, candy, fake desserts, or some other crap. This year, I'm limiting sugar and most of my points go to real whole foods.

I like it better this way. I like how I feel and how I know I'm doing this right. Yes, I'm still allowing myself treats and yes that includes a big vat of chips and queso earlier this week, but that's the only treat. Or maybe one of only two treats. But still. You get my point.

Now I only have two weeks-ish until my Feb 14 goal of 185. That means I have to lose 2.5 lbs in two weeks. This should be do-able, but I'm going back to D.C. to visit some friends the weekend before Valentine's Day, and I'm scared that might throw me off track. So I'm going to move up my goal date to Thursday, February 9. If I don't make it, that's okay. If I do, that's great. It's all about keeping it moving while staying realistic. :)

Pizza on a Pedestal

I can't remember if I've ever mentioned this here or not, but pizza is my favorite food. Thick, buttery pan crust with gooey cheese and lots of tomato sauce and veggies. Yes, I actually like veggies on my pizza, but alas, that does not make pizza healthy. And for the record, let me just say that I am NOT one of those people who can just have a salad and one slice. Maybe someday soon, but I'm not ready for that quite yet. I do say BRAVO to those of you that can do that though! :)

So, last night we had company, and the boy wanted to order pizza. So, in typical whiney Jeni fashion, I proceed to throw a mini temper tantrum. It went something like this:

Me: I want pizza, but I can't haaaaave pizza. Hmph.
Boy: Well you could make your frozen South Beach Diet pizza (in loving supportive tone)
Me: No! I want real pizza, yummy gooey pizza like you get to have. It's not fair!
Boy: Well you could see if your sister wants to go to Whole Foods and get a healthy dinner there?
Me: No, I want pizza. Waaaaahhhhhh! This sucks!

And on. And on. And on.

Make no mistake about it people - I can turn into a two year old at will when I want something I can't have. Luckily the boy has figured out how to handle these situations fairly well, and soothed me into a bit of a better mood. My sister and I did go to Whole Food's, came home and ate a salad and luckily, weren't even present for the ordering of the pizza.

When the pizza actually came, it was BBQ chicken with bacon (ick) and I didn't even want any of it. (Although I did ask for one bite of crust, which I didn't get). Now if I had been present for the ordering of the pizza, I may have tried to sway the decision a little, so I'm glad I wasn't there.

So why do I put the pizza on a pedestal? It's not even that good most of the time. (Okay some of the time). I guess it's because pizza is comforting to me, its always been there for me, and sometimes I used to use pizza as a substitute for other things. Like relationships and self-love. But I don't need that anymore. Yes I'm sure I will always love that unhealthy pizza. But it's not really what I need right now. So I can live without it.

Obsession

So I lost a half a pound this week. It isn't great, but at least I'm still seeing downward movement and that is the way we want to go, right? The sucky thing is, I have work lunches three days this week! My office is above a restaurant, so everyone I work with uses it as an excuse to hold working lunches and they SUCK! I'm so sick of that restaurant I could puke. I can only eat a salad and a bowl of tomato soup so many days in a row, you know? There just aren't that many other healthy options. Feh.

So I've joined the Fat Fighters fitness challenge, which you can read about here. You should join! I'm going the Intermediate route, which I think should be fine. It's nice to have a goal to work toward that other people are working on as well. I guess that's the beauty of blogging. I have this great community of people who I can share my journey with and who are willing to share their journey with me. I just love reading about other people's successes. In fact I'm a little obsessed with it. I spend WAY too much time reading blogs right now. And other fitness type materials, which are ubiquitous in today's society. Lucky for me!

It's weird though, the minute I become less obsessed is the minute I fall of track. I know the boy sometimes gets annoyed (he must, right?) because I'm constantly spouting off about nutrition and working out and being picky about where we eat and whining about my blubber. My honestly, I have to live it this way. This journey, this project, has GOT to be top of mind every single day. It has to be my number 1 priority. Because if it's not, then it will fall by the wayside, and I'll start gaining. So right now, I think it's okay to be obsessed.

Fat Fighters

I've joined the Fat Fighters web ring! So if you stop by, click on the button over to the right and check out some cool blogs. Oh how I love the technology. Thanks to Renee for hooking me up.

Gotta get ready to watch the Bronco's win the AFC championship. Isn't it funny how Americans are obsessed with sitting on their couches watching other people accomplish huge athletic feats? (Myself included of course). Wait until the Olympics get here; I'll be glued to my TV. But you know what, I think this year I'm going to try to watch a few of the events at the gym, while I'm working out. I'll never be a professional athlete, but this is the year for me to find out just exactly what my body can do.

Friday!

So I'm back and I'm feeling better. Unfortunately I had to deal with two more work lunches this week, but I did the best I could do. Today's lunch was tomato soup and a salad. Went to workout this afternoon, even though its Friday, and I just had a nice turkey sub for dinner. Nothing fancy, but its healthy and its much better than a typical Friday night dinner.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm going to catch up on my sleep and work out and watch the Bronco game and just enjoy my time off. It's only two days but dammit I love the weekend.

But here's the problem. I want to go out with my friends. But I don't feel like I can do that when I'm dieting. (I know, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. But still.) For instance, I chose to stay home tonight rather than go get pizza with friends. I know it was the best decision for me, the best way to avoid cheesey pizza and too much wine, but it's hard for me to think of a life like this all of the time. I'm okay with being selfish in order to become the person I want to be, but I'm scared of the things I'm going to have to give up.

I think I know I need to make these changes and they'll all be for the better, but then I think about it, and I don't want to become THAT girl. That girl who's no fun because she never wants to go get pizza and beers and she never wants to do anything fun. I guess I know logically that my friends will like me whether I eat pizza or not. It's just a random conflict that I always have. Every day. And I have to live with it. For now I'm okay with it, but will I be tomorrow? I don't know. But I do know if I take it one day at a time I can do this.

Slip Up

So today was the first day I've struggled since I recommitted. It's been hard. It sucks - Monday I was on top of the world, I lost 2 lbs this past week - then I had a great workout with the trainer last night. Everything was going well. Of course today I sort of got off track.

First I had lunch with my boss, who of course ordered chips and queso. I sort of felt obliged to eat them, but I sort of wanted them too. I didn't have too many, but I did eat some. Then tonight at girl's night there was wine and a brownie for dessert. Now I know none of this is terrible, but it still feels icky. I don't think people who eat brownies lose weight. And that's what I want to do.

So tomorrow it's back full swing - no sugar at all. Unfortunately I have to be at a client site all day tomorrow, and I'll probably have to eat whatever they serve for lunch. My plan is this - breakfast at home, then a small lunch of whatever is healthy, Luna bar for a snack, and straight to the gym after I get back to Denver from the client site. Dinner will be light, probably a couple of eggs or a high protein smoothie. I'm not going to let a tiny slip up ruin this for me. I will reach my goals.

Weigh-In Day

Down 2 to 190 today! That's 5 lbs in two weeks. Now I don't expect to see these results every week, but I'm still very happy with what I saw on the scale today. Don't you wish it was always this easy to stay on track and motivated? It feels so good to see the numbers go down; it just motivates me to keep going. I got a great workout in tonight and had a nice dinner, so all cylinders are running smoothly. Will someone remind me of this day in 3 months when I'm down and out?

Not much else to say because I'm off to read your blogs and watch The Golden Globes. All those beautiful, tiny women. Maybe more on that later, but for now I'm relaxing!

Sunday Blues

I hate Sunday. I hate that I have to go back to work tomorrow. It's not that I hate my job, because I don't, I just hate having to wake up early and be tired and know that I have to make it through five full days of working before I get my weekend again. Sorry, I'm a whiner. Moving on.

Despite my hatred of Sundays, today has been good. I had a nice veggie sandwich for lunch and an early dinner of butternut squash soup and spinach salad along with a nice hunk of wheat bread dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Yum! Tomorrow's my weigh-in, and I'm feeling much better about this Sunday night meal than last week's, which consisted of a deli turkey sandwich and potato chips of all things.

I'm hopeful for another decent loss tomorrow, but not positive it will happen. I did my best this week, but I did have the cooking class with the apple tart and a few other mishaps this week. The good news is, I worked out hard and am making progress in that arena. Now I'm off to enjoy what precious little is left of my weekend.

Saturday

Saturday and the Broncos are in the playoffs! Woohoo! But watching the big game tonight means beer and chips and oreos and all-around crap. But I have a plan. Today was free guest day today at the gym, so I brought my sister and we each did a hardcore workout. She hasn't been to the gym in over three months, but I am so proud of her for doing almost an hour of cardio. I did a treadmill warm-up and then my trainer workout from Thursday (remember the suicides?). I feel great and today it was actually a little easier than on Thursday. Progress!

So after the workout I came home and had my post-workout meal, a tortilla with honey and peanutbutter to get the protein and carbs back to my muscles and now I'm hanging out watching The Biggest Loser engaged couples, which I recorded from last week. After a little relaxing and a shower, my sister and I are off to Whole Foods to buy supplies for a healthy dinner so we can watch the game and still feel good about what we're consuming. I'm thinking salad, maybe fish, and some veggies. I can't wait.

By the way, the good news is; I'm still on track and feeling motivated, and we're two weeks into January.

Middle School

Or sometimes it is referred to as Junior High. For those of you in the UK, Australia, and elsewhere, I have no idea. Maybe primary school? I'm sorry I don't know. I should.

The point is, I went back to middle school tonight. Grade seven, 13 years old and on the school basketball team, where I was of course the chubbiest girl on the team. I tried my best, I really did. But I always had a hard time with practice. I was never very coordinated and I just wasn't in the best of shape. I remember doing suicides and going home and just sitting in my room staring at the ceiling wondering if I would ever be good at anything. My god that is such a hard age. I'm glad its over.

Anyway, tonight, the trainer made me do suicides. First, we did sprints up and down the basketball court. Then to the suicides. For those of you who don't know what they are, let me just tell you they are named appropriately. There are a number of lines on a basketball court, the foul lines, other random blue lines, the middle line, etc... In order to run a suicide, you start at the edge of the court, run to the first line, touch the ground, run back to the starting point, touch the ground, run to the next furthest line, touch the ground, and back and forth and back and forth all the way down the court. It is pure hell. I have zero lung capacity and I was dying tonight. And that was only the first 20 minutes.

All I could think about was how hard it was and how it should be easier and I should be in better shape and damn it! It makes me so mad. But I know I just have to keep working at it and I'll get better and I won't get those feelings of insecurity anymore.

So the workout was hard, but I feel good for having done it. The trainer wants me to eat some protein, fat and carbs within 30 minutes after any resistance training, so I rushed home and made a smoothie with frozen fruit, plain nonfat yogurt, nonfat milk, and a scoop of protein powder. It was good, and I feel good. Now to tackle the weekend.

Cooking for Six

I'm here, down 3 lbs, and I'm doing well this week too. Monday night was cooking class, and that was exceptionally difficult, but I made it through without consuming too many calories. I did take part in the apple tart, but it was small and I don't think it threw me off. It was the first time I'd ingested any direct sugar in a while, and I did get a headache and went straight to bed when we went home. Funny how sugar can do that to you. I had sugar cravings both yesterday and today, but I've managed to avoid them.

Tonight I'm hosting girl's night at my house, which terrifies me because I'm such a horrid cook. I'm making a spinach salad with Craisins (dried cranberries), pecans, and a yummy dressing made with oil, lemon juice, and a little Tobasco. I know it sounds weird, but my mom says it's delicious and I believe her. To the salad I'm adding fancy grilled cheese on cibatta with pesto, mozzarella, and spinach. I know this isn't the healthiest meal, but the cheese and lowfat and I'm using healthy fats elsewhere, so I feel okay about it. I'm not serving dessert, which I think the girl's may be disappointed about, but it's what I need to do for me and they can handle one girl's night without dessert.

Okay, better go get cooking. Wish me luck; I'm telling you I need it, even for salad and grilled cheese.

3 lb loss!

Hey guys! I have zero time right now, but I just wanted to check in and let you all know I lost 3 lbs this week! Yay! Thanks to everyone who comments here; you guys are so supportive and it really helps to know people out there in the world are in the same boat.

I'll try to write a real post tonight, but in the meantime, have a great day!

Feh

So tomorrow's the big weigh in for week number 1. And what did I do tonight? Eat an effing bag of potato chips. Just a small one that you get at the deli. But still. What is my problem? Do I want to ruin my good progress? Do I want to be bloated for my weigh in? I have no idea. All I know is that I kicked ass this week, even all day yesterday, and now I go and try to ruin it with a stupid bag of potato chips. I've stayed within calories all week, and I've eaten a ton of vegetables, and I've burned a ton of calories, but I'm still paranoid that one bag of chips can ruin an entire good week of eating.

I've always been sort of all or nothing, so it scares me when I veer off path a little. I know I'm not going to, but I'm still scared. Hopefully the weigh in will be good tomorrow and I'll be happy, but geez I'm still scared. This whole process is just messing with my mind.

Also, we have cooking class tomorrow, which includes making a molten chocolate cake. I've been doing great on the no sugar thing, but I think I'm going to make a small exception for this. Anyway, I'm kind of crazy right now - I'll report back tomorrow on the weigh in. Until then!

Okay so...

I did eat a few fried things last night. About ten french fries to be exact. I know it isn't exactly death or anything, but it's still a bummer. And I drank four beers. I'm not really counting points right now, but I sort of secretly am in my head because it's just something I've been doing for so long. So four light beers =8 points, and ten french fries and about six chips with guac probably equals about 7 points. (They were small french fries and small chips). There goes 15 points right there. It's amazing how these things add up like that. Oh well, it's a lot better than it could have been, and I came home and drank a lot of water and I'm okay with it all.

As you can see, I'm up fairly early for me on a Saturday, which is not something I'm especially happy about. The dogger sleeps with us, and he has some sort of OCD licking problem right now, and it is driving me crazy. He'll wake up, (today about 7:50 or so) and just start licking the sheets, or his paws, or the comforter, or me, obsessively. (He also does this at random times during the day, licking the blanket on the couch or the carpet. What is the deal? He definitely gets enough water and food, by the way.)

So the constant motion of licking next to me wakes me up and of course this morning I couldn't go back to sleep. Oh well, went to bed around 11:30 so I guess it's a good 8 hours. I just like to get 9 or 10 on the weekends. I'm still in college mode like that.

I'm now sitting on the couch in wrapped up in a blanket debating on how to structure my meals today. Like I said yesterday, I have a friend coming over for brunch. She should be here around 11, and then we have to drive to the restaurant, order etc, so I'm thinking I probably won't be eating until 12. So I guess since it's only 9:00 right now I should go ahead and eat something small. Unfortunately I ate my last pre-made salad last night, so I don't think my salad/protein drink is going to work today. Maybe I'll just have some fruit or something to keep me satisfied until later.

I better go see what my options are. Have a great Saturday!

Friday Night

So this is Friday night. The first Friday night of my new fresh start. The day has gone well so far, but this is the part I dread. We're going out with friends to drink beers and eat at the Cherry Cricket, which, as you can see by their menu, is not a healthy option. So even though I had an organic cheese enchilada with corn and black beans for lunch, and I don't like to eat two frozen meals in one day, I decided to eat an Amy's frozen vegetable burrito before we go. It's probably a lot of sodium, but it will keep me from eating fried macaroni and cheese in an hour or so. Seriously, they have fried macaroni and cheese. And I don't mind telling you it is delicious.

Anyway, I'll probably have a glass of wine or two, but I've had my dinner and I won't be eating anything. It was a very early dinner, so I'll probably be hungry later, but I'll come home and have a bowl of cereal or something. I am determined not to eat a bunch of fried crap and ruin the good progress I've made over the past couple of days. I mean I've eaten salad for breakfast for five days in a row. Who does that? Seriously? Can you guys tell I'm serious tonight? :)

I'm going to the gym tomorrow and if its nice out I may even ride my bike there. I've got a brunch with a friend that's in town and then a dinner with another friend tomorrow, so that'll probably be my day to treat myself. I'm not going to go crazy, not even close, and I'm not going to have any sugar, but I may have a few more calories than I have during the week. I need to make sure this can fit in with my life if I'm going to succeed. Have a good weekend all, I'll be back tomorrow or Sunday!

Veggie Central Around Here

Hi all! Okay I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually really enjoying having the salad for breakfast. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm not enjoying it when I'm eating it. I'm pretty much forcing it down in the mornings, but it is getting easier. But I love the way it makes me feel during the day. I'm full all morning, and I feel great about the fact that I've already gotten at least three servings of veggies and it isn't even lunchtime yet! Salad for breakfast isn't so bad. It's nutritious!

Today I'm practically on veggie overload. I had a veggie sandwich with hummus for lunch, and then tomato soup for dinner. Yay! Of course you can see that I haven't had enough protein today. I'm going to work on that, but first I want to get the veggie thing down right.

Working out is going well, all in all I'm in kick-ass mode right now and feeling great. Of course I'm watching The Biggest Loser right now and I just want to cry. I see myself in these people, especially the young girls. It is so effing hard to be fat. It just sucks. I'm full of hope and optimism right now, but I know these feelings won't last forever. In a week, or a couple of weeks or a month or maybe even this weekend, I'll be feeling down my body, about not fitting into my jeans, and I'll think about just giving in. I'll think about how far I have to go, and how useless it all is, and how I'm just destined to be overweight and I should just accept my body for what it is.

But that stuff just isn't true. I do have a long way to go it's true, but I've already come a long way. And while body acceptance is important, I have serious goals for fitness, and I plan on meeting those goals. There might be days when I am full of fear and doubt and self-loathing, but I can remind myself of my goals, of the way I feel when I eat clean and exercise.

Okay I know I'm babbling and swooning but I just want to get that stuff out there.

On a side note, since I re-started on Monday, I think I'm going to change my weigh-in days to Mondays as well. Hopefully that will help keep me accountable over the weekends. Off to read your posts!

2005 Review/2006 Plan

So today starts my re-invigorated fitness plan. My goal was to end 2005 under 190. This morning I weighed in for my official 2006 start weight: 195. Ouch. I should have expected it really. I am a statistic. I gained the typical 3-5 lbs over the holidays. It sucks and it hurts me to write that, especially considering the workouts I maintained. I've accepted it, I'm updating my stats on the right, and I'm ready to move on.

I had a great time at the New Year's Eve party I attended, and I spent yesterday with the boy eating a yummy breakfast and then popcorn at the movies. We even attempted cookies with his new hand mixer. They didn't turn out so well the first time, but I think its because we didn't chill the dough. He's going to try again today, but I won't be taking part in the taste test.

Looking back, 2005 was not a great year for me. My lowest weight of '05 was 183, and I ended the year with a 12 pound gain. I started this blog in July and I have gained since then, so clearly it's not holding me accountable as it should be. I'm working on changing that now though.

With all that said, and even though the scale is showing a gain, I do feel my fitness levels have improved. I took up cycling in 2005 and rode in an organized ride for 35 miles. I went to the moutains and rode 50 miles up there. I'm working on improving my running and I can now do a 5k in approximately 40 minutes. I know that isn't fast, but at least I'm doing it. I started with the trainer a few weeks ago and I can already tell my core strength and balance are improving. I am stronger and and have more endurance than I had in 2004.

In 2006, I want to continue to improve my fitness and still shoot toward my goal of completing a sprint distance triathlon, but more than that I want to focus on my weight, on this extra body fat I am carrying around. That will be my number 1 priority.

My goal weight still is, and always has been, 140 pounds. To lose that amount of weight is daunting and scary though, so for right now I'm going to stick to small goals. 185 by Valentine's Day. And 175 by April 1. Once I've lost those 20 lbs or so, we'll go from there. In order to kick start my weight loss, I am following the trainer's plan for me, which I outlined in my previous post. This includes a protein shake and salad for breakfast, working out with weights at least 3 times a week and adding cardio at least twice a week, and eliminating all sugar and sugar substitutes.

Now I know that over the next three months there will be times when I slip up and have some sugar. There may be a birthday. There may be a fancy dinner. There may be some chocolate in the kitchen at work. And I won't kill myself if I slip. But I am going to log my food every day in my planner, and I'll post here to keep myself accountable. I'll weigh in here every Friday. I'm excited about my plans and I'm feeling good about the year to come. No resolutions, just more lifestyle changes. Wish me luck!

Salad for Breakfast

So. Christmas. My Birthday. Another Christmas. And another Christmas. And I ate pretty much nonstop. It's funny, I went to the trainer last Thursday, and he took my measurements and my bodyfat percentage. Let's just say it wasn't good. I knew it was going to be bad, but it still hurt to see those numbers. He estimated my body fat based on my scale weight and the measurements of my legs, arms, waist, neck, etc... He had a little book he used. I don't know how accurate the book is, but he estimates I'm between 38-40% body fat. Ouch. The good news is, we're working to get that off.

Anyway back to Christmas. So I had my session with the trainer on Thursday night, worked my ass off and got nice and sweaty, then got in the car to drive to Texas. We stopped for a sandwich for dinner on Thursday night, so all was good. On the road on Friday, I started the day with an Egg and Cheese biscuit from McDonald's. Blech. I never eat there. I'm morally against eating there. But guess what, eating there was my only option. Or at least that's what I told myself. Of course I could have eaten something else. And that pretty much started my week of gluttony.

There was pie, there was chocolate, chips and queso, a cheese ball, banana bread, biscuits, chocolate, chicken strips, bean burritos, and more chocolate. It wasn't pretty. And as you might imagine, the scale is showing it. But I'm back now I've had Christmas with both sides of the family and the boy's family, eaten my birthday dinner at my favorite restaurant, and I'm ready to get hardcore.

I saw the trainer tonight, and he has a plan to get me in fighting shape. Last week I brought him a detailed food journal so he could review my eating habits, and he has some suggestions. Apparently I'm doing okay on veggies, but not as good as I should be. Duh. And I snack too much in the afternoon. Duh. And I don't get enough protein. Duh. All things I knew he would say. But still its good to hear a third party say it.

So here's the plan going forward: I've got to do my weight training three times a week (including one session with the trainer). Cardio twice a week on top of that, after the weights or on a different day alone. As far as the food goes, I'll be sticking to the no sugar and no sugar substitute thing. In addition, I have to have a large salad for breakfast along with a protein shake every morning. Salad! A Salad!

The salad should have two different types of leafy greens, I'm thinking romaine and spinach. It also has to have four different types of vegetables. I'm having trouble thinking of four that I'm really going to like, especially for breakfast, but I'm going to do my best. I'm thinking cucumber, carrots, zucchini, and something else. But what else? Does anyone have any suggestions? Again, not a big fan of the crazy veggies, and I know its going to be especially difficult first thing in the morning. Maybe broccoli. Or snow peas?

If the trainer thinks it'll be good for me, then I'm going to stick to it. I'm going shopping this weekend for my veggies and protein shakes, and I'll keep you posted on how it goes. In the meantime, I'm going to try to kick some arse on my workouts and not overdo the alcohol on New Year's Eve. I'm also going to post here more often, so I'll see you all soon.

Quick Update

Hi everyone! I just got back in town last night from visiting my dad, and I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm here. Today's my birthday and with the end of this day comes the end of December indulgences. Besides New Year's Eve of course. I'll be back later this week with a full update on Christmas, my birthday, visiting the crazy state of Texas, the trainer, and everything else that's been going on. Until then, hope you all are having a fabulous December!

Hallo

I'm here. Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I have no excuse. Except that I'm so effing busy I can hardly stand it right now. There just isn't enough time. The good news is, I am dunzo with the Christmas shopping. Thank the lord. Spent waaaaay too much money but that's okay. I just like giving people stuff. What can I say? Plus I'm not very good and finding bargains. I suck at that actually. I can't wait to give the boy his gift! I won't tell you what it is here in case he reads it this (hi there boy) but I'll tell you after Christmas. It rawks!

So remember I'm writing everything down this week? OMG I am so embarrassed to give my little sheet to the trainer on Thursday. Let's just say the no-sugar thing is not really working out this week with the holidays and what not. There is so much chocolate in my office it is not even funny. And a girl can only resist so much chocolate. Also, I had holiday parties to attend on both Friday and Saturday, and I'm not going to lie, heavy drinking on Saturday may have led to a grilled cheese and a side of ranch. Damn you Denver Diner!

Workouts are going well; I'm sticking to my plan and tonight I did an hour of weights plus 25 minutes interval cardio. I'm happy about it. I feel good. I'm terrified because Thursday the trainers going to test my body fat, like he was supposed to do last week but he forgot. And I conveniently forgot to remind him. I know I should know so I can measure my progress, but I don't want to cry. Especially in front of the whole gym.

Still shooting for under 190 by the end of the year, then I'm telling you, we are going hardcore this. Who's with me?

Writing it all down

Hello! How's it going everyone? Things are good here, just sore as all hell. I had a meeting with the trainer yesterday. Holy crap. Side lunges with a little hop. Suck my ass. And about a zillion other things he made me do. Big news is though, he's making me write down everything single thing I eat. And at what time.

It's weird because I've been doing WW online for a while now, and while sometimes it works and sometimes I'm slack about it, I've pretty much been tracking what I eat on a daily basis for over a year now. If I'm being honest with myself though, I haven't been tracking very well since I stopped losing weight in about March. I haven't been tracking well and I haven't been losing. In fact I've been gaining. Not a ton, but still gaining.

So I'm going to make a concerted effort this week to track every morsel that goes into my mouth. Meaning every little bite of cookie. Every drink. Every fry. Every chip. Every little bit. And the trainer is going to see it. He's going to see that today I had soup and salad for dinner but then I had half a chocolate chip cookie and 4 bites of the boy's macaroni. He's going to see that I'm going to two parties this weekend and I'll probably drink more than I should. He's going to see that the lack of vegetables in my diet is appalling.

It's all good though; I'm excited about it, and I think this is really going to work. I'm sort of afraid to be optimistic at this point, being so close to the holidays and with so much potential for disaster, but I just feel pretty good. I know my eating isn't spot on, but I'm working out and I'm feeling good about it. And the trainer said, and I quote, "by this summer, you'll be a lean mean machine."

Oh I hope so!!!!!!

Back from Santa Fe

So the boy and I went to Santa Fe this weekend. And pretty much ate and drank nonstop. I'm okay with it because it was my decision to have a great weekend and enjoy myself and that's exactly what I did. So remember I had gained five pounds. Well last week I lost all but two of that, which still sucked because it was a two pound gain. Then of course I went and probably gained about 30 pounds, but I'm going to try to get some of that bloat and water weight off before I step on the scale again.

The good news is, I did work out in Santa Fe. I didn't have the little book where my trainer wrote down all of my moves, but I did my best. All in all, a fabulous weekend with the boy and a couple pound gain will be worth it. Let's hope that doesn't happen anyway though. Today is serving as sort of a detox day, and I made it to the gym tonight as well. I'm feeling good and ready to kick some pre-holiday ass. I don't have any delusions about how hard these next two weeks are going to be, but I'm still going to give it a shot. If I can come out of 2005 under 190, I'll be happy. About 10 weeks ago I said I wanted to come out of 2005 at 175. Clearly that is not happening. I'm sort of ambivalent about that I guess.

Anyway, I have my next session with the trainer on Wednesday, where he's going to weigh and measure me. Great. Not looking forward to finding out my body fat percentage. It is what it is though.

Par-tay

So the holiday party season is now in full swing. Starting tomorrow with the office holiday party. Our holiday party sounds extremely exciting, but frankly I'm sort of bummed that it's just employees and we aren't bringing significant others. I mean I see these people every day. I want to show off my cute boy to them and actually enjoy some time out of the office with these people. Either way I'm sure it will still be fun. And food filled. Check it out:

We're going to a local cooking school and learning how to cook a full Italian meal. I'm not too sure on the details, but I know it includes an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert. And wine. Lots of wine. But having dessert means sugar will be present. Lots of sugar. And I'm sure it will be delicious. I haven't yet decided how I'm going to approach the holiday party tomorrow. On one hand, I could say this is a once a year event and throw caution to the wind. On the other hand, I could strictly stick to my no sugar on weekdays plan and avoid dessert altogether.

But if I'm going to make this a lifestyle, I'm going to need to incorporate these kinds of events into my daily life. And I seriously doubt I'm going to be able to or even want to resist a delicious Italian dessert that I created with my own two hands. I'm not a great cook, so I'm really excited and nervous to see what I can prepare. We'll see how I feel about that tomorrow night though.

To update you on the no sugar, no sugar substitute plan; I've been doing pretty well. Not perfect, but good. Since last Thursday night when I discussed the plan with the trainer, I've had no soda, diet or otherwise. I'm pretty proud of that. I have however, had some sugar free syrup with kashi waffles (I mean I just bought these waffles and what else am I going to eat with them), one bite of cheesecake, and one cookie. Now I know this looks like I completely effed it all up, but this was all on Saturday and Sunday, days he said I could be a little more lax with myself. Today went extremely well, I was dying for a piece of chocolate after dinner but I resisted and made some cinnamon tea instead.

I also completed my assigned workouts on Saturday and tonight, even with a massive amount of soreness. After I got my blood pumping with some cardio I felt okay, but it is truly amazing what lifting weights can do to weakly muscles like mine. So I feel good about how I've done when it comes to focusing on my new plan. Like I said, I'll probably have some sugar tomorrow night at the holiday party, but after that I should be all good.

All should be well and good then right, and I should be on track for another loss this week, right? NO.

I weighed myself this morning - up a whopping FIVE pounds from my weigh-in on Friday. FIVE pounds! I know there are reasons for this. Sore muscles holding water. Period due on Thursday. Big pasta dinner Sunday night. But still. FIVE pounds! Seriously.

Hopefully I'll be able to get rid of it, but its looking like we'll see that same yo yo gain this week and I'll be right back to 190 or above, where I've been for weeks and weeks on end. Damn you five pounds. Damn you.

Trainer Day 2

I feel so great right now! Besides the lingering hacking-up-a-lung cough, I'm fabulous. I went to see the trainer tonight for free session number two, and it was great. He taught me some more weight exercises and we came up with a plan for me to stick to so that I can achieve my goals. It is as follows:

I will be attending the gym at least three times a week, focusing on the resistance training workouts he has taught me. (I'll probably try to do more, but this is the workout I'll do at LEAST three times a week).

First, I'll warm up on the treadmill for five to seven minutes.

Next comes resistance training: 2 sets of 15-20 reps, increasing weight on the second set. I'll do one exercise for each muscle group. Some of the exercises he taught me are squats on the bosu ball, simultaneous tricep pushdown and bicep curl, and bosu pushups. Everything is focused on moving multiple body parts at once and improving core strength as well. This will change up in the future, but for now it's the plan and should take around 25-30 minutes.

After resistance training I'll do 20-25 minutes of cardio interval training, alternating one minute of hardcore, but not quite puke level running or whatever my fancy is that day, and two minutes of recovery time. I'll work up to doing longer intervals of the running and shorter intervals of recovery.

Now comes the diet part. We talked about what I eat on a daily basis and he surmised what I already know: I eat too much sugar and not enough fruits and vegetables. So the first thing I'm focusing on with diet is eliminating straight sugar and artificial sweeteners from my diet. This includes all soda, even diet. It also includes the mini Hershey bar I eat almost every day after lunch. It also includes ice cream. It's going to be hard, but he said some things that really made me think. This may be a load of crap, but he said even one tablespoon of sugar raises your insulin levels so much that it can suppress your immune system for four hours. When that sugar adds up, your body is pretty much screwed, and losing weight becomes extremely difficult.

I know this is going to be hard, but he wants me to tackle this beast in manageable sections. Right now I'm going to focus on having sugar free and sugar-substitute free days three to four days a week. Right now, this should be do-able. I'm going to give it a shot. Once I can maintain this, we'll try to make more changes.

I'm excited about the things I've learned and the plans I've made. Hopefully these changes will really help me become the strong, athletic person I want to be. They'll help me prepare for the sprint triathlon I want to do next summer. And they'll help me lose some weight.

Yay!

Getting Well and TBL

Feeling much better, but still definitely not 100%. The coughing and lack of air to breathe continues, but like I said, I'm getting better. I went back to work today and it was hard. In total I had six days off, what with the Thanksgiving holiday and the weekend and then the staying home sick. I'm run down and tired, and my body just needs love.

So that's what I'm trying to give it. I've been eating well (okay well better than I had been, of course minus my sister's birthday dinner last night, more on that later). I'm going back to the gym tomorrow after work; I'm actually rescheduling the session with the trainer. I'm excited to go back; it's amazing how much I miss working out. Hopefully he'll go easy on me since he knows I've been sick. I'm super excited to see the new moves he's going to show me.

So The Biggest Loser. I had to TiVo it since we went to P.F. Chang's for dinner last night for my little sister's birthday. She's 14. Wow. I got the kung pao chicken with brown rice and only ate about half of it, so I thought I did okay. Obviously I know Chinese food isn't great, but at least it's white meat chicken without too much sauce on it. Then of course I went back to my parents house and had a giant piece of yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Nice work.

Okay, so I'm allowed to indulge once in a while, but the problem is, it hasn't just been once in a while. It's more like all the time. And after watching TBL, I was floored. So happy and excited for those people; yet so sad and ashamed that I can't commit to doing the same thing. I found myself with a perma-grin, just smiling from ear to ear watching Suzy jump up and down. She was so happy and content, and it just showed. She looked amazing. They all did. I was kind of bummed that Matt won because to be honest, I've been slightly annoyed with him throughout the show, but he really did deserve it. To lose 185 pounds is an amazing feat. I just want to lose 50.

One thing that did come out of last night's cake fiasco was the desire and motivation to do more. To eat better and to work out and to just take better care of myself. So tonight I'm making a WW recipe I found for six points, I'm skipping dessert, and I'm going to bed early. Tomorrow I'm eating a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then going to go meet with the trainer. I'm pumped.

Bronchitis

Quick update to let you all know that I'm not dead, but practically. I have bronchitis. Needless to say this past Thanksgiving weekend wasn't as much fun as it could have been. I didn't get to go see my trainer, I haven't been working out at all in fact, my diet has been crap, and I feel like complete shit. Can't breathe. But I went to the doctor and I'm confident I'll be getting better soon.

I'm taking another day off of work tomorrow and as soon as I feel better I'm going to get back on the wagon full force.

Thanksgiving

Went to the gym tonight and did my 5K on the treadmill. Saw the trainer there but I'm not sure if he saw me. I kind of wanted him to see me so he would know that I was committed to working out. Like he cares. My 5K took me about 41 minutes. Not great, especially because I don't think I'm making much progress on my time, but I think I'm afraid to push it much further.

Today was tough because I hadn't been on the treadmill in over a week due to the soreness from the initial encounter with the trainer. It was probably also tough because I've been eating like shit. I've barely even been attempting to eat right. I had some broccoli in my lo mein last night. How's that for veggies? And I know it will probably get worse before it gets better. My head isn't in the game right now.

I am into working out still though. Well at least I think I am. My actions this past week might say otherwise. But again, that was mostly because of the soreness. I have another encounter with the trainer tomorrow. I'm afraid he'll ask me how much I worked out this week, and I'll have to tell him I only did two cardio sessions and I didn't practice any of the moves he taught me because I was too sore to even think about a squat, let alone actually do one. I think he'll understand this time. I hope so.

But part of the reason I'm excited about the trainer is the fact that he WILL ask me about my program and I WILL have to tell him what I have and have not done. And next week, I'm telling you, I will be able to tell him I worked out at least four times. Even with Thanksgiving coming up. Especially with Thanksgiving coming up. Thanksgiving....

Sore

Sore beyond belief. On Thursday I could barely even sit down on the toilet. I had to gingerly place myself there. I know its a good thing to be sore, but the extent to which my soreness has gone on makes me realize that my muscles were and are seriously weak. Over the past couple of months, okay maybe even more like the past 8 months, I haven't been lifting consistently at all. I MIGHT have done a circuit at the gym. Or MAYBE I would do a Firm tape.

And now I'm paying for that. It's Saturday and I'm still sore, but the worst of it has definitely gone away. I just hope I'm ready for my next session with the trainer on Tuesday. I think I will be. I'll be there and I'll be pumped.

So due to soreness I haven't really done much cardio except one 40 minute session on the elliptical, which I thought might help get my blood flowing, etc. It didn't really help that much. I'm going to attempt some sort of other cardio today, maybe swimming or a bike ride. It's freezing cold outside today though so I'll have to venture over to the gym.

So I've been thinking a lot about how it's often said that overweight women, or maybe just women in general, aren't selfish enough and don't take enough time for themselves. We're always so worried about someone or something else that we don't stop to think about the damage we're doing to our bodies. I don't think I ususally have that problem. I'm fairly in tune with my needs (sleeping, working out, eating, etc..) and I usually don't put those needs on the back burner for other people. But I often put those needs on the back burner in favor of the other side of me, the side that wants to pretend she's a skinny party girl that can just eat and drink whatever she wants and stay up late and not have to worry about it or face the consequences of those actions.

I know I'm not that person. But sometimes I just wish so badly that I was. And I make bad decisions based on those stupid thoughts inside of my head. Pretty much every weekend. And I know this will continue into the holidays. I'm nervous about the holidays. For a variety of reasons. Because my family will be crazy. Because I will get stressed about money. Because if history repeats itself, which it may, I will gain weight. More weight. I don't want that to happen. On the surface I don't want that to happen. Underneath though, I'm not sure.

Trainer

Okay so I met with the trainer today. The little trainer might I add. I mean little bitty. I shall call him little bitty Bill. Okay I won't call him that because I'm sure he could make up some really mean names for me that I would not want to hear and I'm sure he wouldn't really appreciate being called little bitty. Seriously though, his body fat percentage is probably about 4. Or maybe less. And he's 5'3" max. But that's okay because he's awesome!

I had such a good time. It was just so nice to have someone tell me what to do. And boy am I going to be sore. Squats on the Bosu ball. OMG those are seriously hard. I think I'm going to like having a trainer. He said if we do long term he could help me with nutrition too. Yes I'm seriously thinking about paying an assload of money to some random stranger to tell me how to work out. I think it will be good for me.

I'm going to another free session next Tuesday and then I'll make my final decision. But I can tell you right now that I want to do this. I hate lifting weights. Maybe Bill will help change all of that.

P.S. The boy read the entire blog. He noticed that I yo yo. In reality I've only gone up between 4-5 pounds over the last couple of months. But I know my resolve does yo yo. It's something I need to work on.

The Boy Knows About the Blog

And I was going to go through all my posts and change every single time where I had written about how much I weigh. I started to do it. I even changed my stats on the sidebar so now it really just show how much less I have to lose. But you know what?

We live together. He's seen me naked. Many times. I'm pretty sure he has a good idea of how much I weigh. And he still loves me. So if he decides to pop by, which I'm going to tell him he can, he'll know for sure exactly how much I weigh. And he will still love me. So hi baby if you're reading this right now. I hope you aren't mortified that I write about you sometimes. :)

I just dropped my dad and my stepmom off at the airport and I'm home chillin with the dogger (above). I feel kind of icky. I did okay with food this weekend, but nowhere near perfection. I ate soup and salad on Friday night, which was great. Had fries for lunch with a turkey sandwich yesterday, but I made a pretty good choice for dinner. I still overate though (damn you dessert) and felt like crap last night. Lunch today was a veggie burger and fries. I have a serious issue with fries. Maybe I'll ban fries. Not sure if I can do that. It's a thought though. Something to consider.

All in all not great, but not as bad as it could of been, which is key. This new salad place called Mad Greens just opened up down the street from us, so I'm going to pop down there and have a nice fresh salad for dinner after I watch the stupid Broncos waste away their lead like they seem to do every week. Oh nevermind they just scored! Go Broncos! I'm not disloyal I swear! Ooh 2 pointer! We rock! Enough exclamation points!

I Got A Digital Camera

Hi, I'm Jeni

Feeling Better

Hey everyone. Or at least my one reader. :)

I'm feeling much better today. Tuesday and Wednesday were NOT good days. I subsisted on chicken soup and baked cheetos. I know that probably sounds bad but it was one of the only things I could keep down. Yesterday I was feeling much better but I was absolutely ravenous, and I ate like it. I probably consumed 2500 calories. I guess I just needed that nutrition that I had been missing for the past two days.

So I weighed in this morning at 188 (-3), which I'm fairly happy with given the fact that I was really at 191 last week and didn't report it, and also considerting that I ate a lot of food late at night. I guess I thought I might lose some extra due to the fact that I basically didn't eat for two days, but I made up for it yesterday.

Enough about that I guess. So my dad is coming to town this weekend with my stepmom, which will be nice but almost always turns into a stressful situation and ends with a ton of eating. My dad is a big guy, and mimicking his eating habits is part of the reason why I have such bad habits myself. He's developed Type II diabetes in the past year and even though he's married to a nurse, he barely does anything to control it.

Let me back up a little. My parents were divorced when I was 6, and my mom moved my sister and I to Colorado when I was 9. So I haven't really lived with my dad in a long time. In fact I don't really have any memories of actually living with him. But when he did come to visit, our visits always centered around food. We just didn't really have anything else to do. It's not that I don't love my dad, because I do very much, but his visits have always been a time of stress for my sister and I. Food just mitigated that stress a little.

He was very bitter that my mom got remarried and moved to Colorado. My sister and I both think it was for the best; we get along great with my stepdad and we had an awesome childhood growing up in the Denver suburbs. It was probably very different than what our life would have looked like growing up in a small town in West Texas, where my dad still lives today. I'm a well-adjusted child of divorce and I know in my heart it was what my mom needed to do to be happy. But my dad, he just doesn't see things that way.

Anyway, when he comes to visit its been hard to find activities to do with him. It's better now that he has my stepmom, but he's still very controlling and wants to spend every single moment with us. Now that we are grown women and have lives of our own, that is becoming more difficult. It usually goes something like this: He gets in on Friday night, we go out to dinner and then maybe go for ice cream. Saturday morning he gets up and putters around while we sleep, then we go eat lunch. We may go shopping or see a movie in the afternoon, but we definitely have some sort of snack. Then we go out for a big dinner, with dessert. Sunday same thing. It's all focused around food! It's like that's the only thing there is to do.

When we were still really little, we used to have to go visit him for six weeks every summer. My mom said we'd come back and we'd have each gained like 10 pounds. Our little faces would be all puffy. I guess it's a comfort thing; it's all we know how to do when we're with him.

Honestly I doubt this will ever change. We'll probably do the same thing this weekend. But I'm going to do my best to make good choices and set a good example for my dad. He needs to know that I won't love him any more or any less based on whether or not I get an ice cream cone. I'm not a little girl anymore. I know how to make good choices. Sometimes its just hard not to fall back into old habits.

Sicky

Warning: This post most definitely has TMI.

Jeni Sicky. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was all pumped about my yummy strawberry dessert and feeling a little better about my eating. Then today happened.

I woke up feeling okay, not super peppy, but I'm never super peppy at 6:30 in the morning. I noticed a few pains in my stomach, but I thought it was gas or something so I just took some gas pills and went to work. Well the pain only got worse at work, it was coming in waves and was almost crippling me. I didn't have to go to the bathroom, didn't think I needed to throw up, but I could barely sit up straight when I'd get these waves of pain, like something was seriously eating away at my stomach.

I went home around noon and have been laying on the couch, sleeping on and off for the rest of the day. I don't know what's going on; I'm just in serious pain. I tried to eat a banana to see if having something in my stomach would help, but it didn't. I've finally had some "movement" if you know what I mean, but the pain is just not going away. Yick. I just feel tired and achey and crappy and I guess its a bug or something. Help me! I'm a whiney baby I know. But the boy isn't here and I'm all alone and just want it to stop. Blech.

So clearly I'm not working out today. I've barely even had 100 calories. I think I'm going to try to make some chicken soup, but I'm scared of what might happen. Hopefully this is a 24-hour thing and it'll be gone tomorrow.

Better Than Ice Cream

Yumacious. I just had the best dessert for two points. A pudding cup, cool whip, and strawberries. Delicious.

I know I would be doing so much better if I would just plan out my meals and give it a little effort. That's all it takes its a little effort. I mean making that dessert took about two minutes, and it was so much better than eating a big ole Cold Stone. Okay not really better, but at least I feel better about myself eating it.

I still haven't signed up for the personal training session yet. I was planning on doing it tonight at the gym tonight. But then when I was leaving, all hot and sweaty and red-faced, I realized I didn't really want to go up to the cute guy at the counter and tell him I wanted to sign up with the trainer who specializes in weight loss. I was just too self-conscious. So I think I'll call tomorrow and do it over the phone. I'm such a wuss. Oh well.

Sunday

Oh. My. Gawd. I have been sitting on the couch all afternoon watching My Fair Brady on VH1. It is a trainwreck. I can't stop watching. I had pizza for dinner. Too much tequila last night. I'm bloated and I probably weight about 2 tons right now. Blech. I know I probably present a really pretty picture in your head.

I have to do some ironing now, which will be the most exercise I've gotten all day. On a better note, I did work out both yesterday and Friday, which is something I don't usually do on the weekends. I just feel so much better about myself when I work out. But clearly its not happening today.

So with my new fancy gym membership I get one free session with a personal trainer. I was thinking I probably want to do this with a woman trainer because for some reason I think about a personal trainer the same way I think about the gynecologist. It's so personal. I just want a woman. But I was looking on the gym's website, and it looks like there's a male trainer who specializes in weight loss. So I'm thinking maybe I should request him. I'm going to see if he's available this week and try out a session. Mostly I just want someone to tell me what to do. Literally. To give me meal plans and to kick my ass if I deviate. I think I might need that in my life right now. Because right now no one knows I'm eating pizza for dinner but myself, and that's not helping anything. And of course you guys...

Training...Maybe

So you may or may not have read back in my archives to the post where I declared my intention to do a sprint distance triathlon next summer. I haven't posted about it much since then, but I still have that intention.

I made a ton of progress on the bike this year, but as its gotten colder I've turned my focus more toward running and swimming. I am by no means officially training, just sticking to those three sports as far as my workouts go. Weight lifting is sporadic at best, although I do know I need to be building more muscle if I ever want to reshape my body. I hate weights though. Blech.

Anyway, so for the past two weeks I've been swimming about twice a week. Tonight I swam about 1300 meters, which sounds so measly but at the time seemed incredibly hard. I don't really know what a good swim workout is though, and I'm not sure how long I'll even have to swim if I do go for the sprint distance triathlon. I think it's .75K, so that's a 7500, which is exactly half of what I did today, so it's good to know that I can do that But I'm not sure about that. I guess I have access to the net right now and I should just look it up, but I'm not going to right now. Okay I'm rambling.

My run is what's really going to need work in the upcoming months if I plan on doing this. I'm doing my 5K in about 40 minutes right now, which I know is extremely slow. And I'm sure I'll be much slower after I've been swimming and riding for an hour or more prior to the run. I pretty much still hate running. I get that runner's high thing going on, but I still don't like it. I have to force myself to do it. And that's just on the treadmill. Forget actually going outside. I'm not too that point yet. Plus, the weather. And the darkness. And I can't even think about getting up before work. It's just not happening. Jeni needs sleepy time.

Eventually I'll start a training plan, probably in January, but for right now I'm thinking maybe I should concentrate on shedding some of this excess weight so I can improve my speed in all three sports. Of course, I'm having a hard time focusing on the whole eating right/weight loss thing right now so that might not actually happen. I think I need to go read some triathlete blogs to see what people do in the off season. Mostly I'm just pondering different courses of action right now and I'm not really sure what to do. I know I want to lose some weight. I know I know how to lose weight. For some reason I'm just not putting those things in motion right now. Maybe it's the fun size box of Milk Duds sitting next to me right now? Gah.

So it goes on. But if the candy is making into my routine, then so are the workouts. At least I've got that.

Darkness Falling

It's getting dark already. I can't believe it. It's not even 5 yet. I guess that's how it happens with the time change. It's okay though, I'm feeling good about the things I've accomplished today. I cleaned up the house, did some laundry, and had lunch with the boy.

I also went shopping and spent way too much money on new workout clothes, but it motivated me and I did 50 minutes on the treadmill and burned an obscene amount of calories. Which is good because I have not been doing well with the Halloween candy. I guess it should be expected but still it's annoying. My weakness for sugar is impossible to reign in . Eh.

I didn't lose again this week. Holding steady at 189 and it just isn't bothering me as much as it should be. I've heard from two people this week that I'm looking slim, so maybe the working out is changing my body shape, but just not the number on the scale. Or maybe those people are crazy. Either way it's nice to hear.

Biggest Loser

Today went well, although I had to forgo the gym due to soreness from swimming and the need to go buy the dogger a Halloween costume. He's being SuperDog and he is seriously cute. I'll try to post a picture next week if I ever get access to a digital camera and if I can figure out how.

So I'm watching The Biggest Loser right now. I can't decide what I think about it. I'm strangely fascinated by the show. But I also think its just depressing. For a number of reasons. But mostly because of the spectacle it makes. I still love it though.

Suzy, on the show, weighed in at 182 today. That's seven pounds less than I weigh right now. I don't know how tall she is. I doubt she's 5'6". It's weird to see someone on TV who's around the same size as I am though. I think I'm so used to seeing these teeny thin women it just surprises me to see someone who looks similar to me. I think she's pretty. But she's definitely still overweight. Maybe that's how I look? I don't know. I guess I don't really have a point here. Just that it's weird.

Swimming Along

Literally. I went swimming tonight. Probably the first time in about 6 months I've been swimming. And I can tell you right now my arms are going to be feeling it tomorrow. And my legs. In fact my whole body will be feeling it. I think even my brain will be feeling it.

So my swimming experience:

When I arrived it was fairly crowded, so I had to share a lane with a buff man in a tiny little swimsuit. I smirked to myself and then realized he was probably gaping at the whale who just took over his lane, so then of course I felt bad about the smirk. But those little swimsuits. They're just so. Little. And okay I know I'm not a whale and I should really be practicing positive self talk, but the whale metaphor is just so appropriate with the pool and what not. Anywho, so I get in the pool and realize I have no idea what I should do. There's a workout posted on the whiteboard in the pool area, so I decide to give that a shot.

I start swimming. I'm doing okay, not moving too quickly but definitely getting my heart rate up. Things are going quite well. But swimming is hard people, especially when you haven't done it in a long time. After about 40 minutes I had only made it through half of the workout and by the way my arms and legs were flailing about I decided it was probably time to get out. So I didn't make it through the whole workout (and who knows who that workout was for anyway, it could have been the Olympic swim team for all I know), but at least I tried.

And it feels so good to change up the workout a little, use different muscles and really feel my body working. I think I'll try to swim more often.

So now I'm completely exhausted from my swim, and this coupled with the fact that I've drastically lowered my calories in order to actually lose some weight for once and the fact that I haven't been sleeping well means I'll be going to bed at around 9:00 p.m. tonight. I'm such a party animal.

I haven't been sleeping well the past couple of nights because the boy is out of town and apparently the dogger thinks he needs to be extra vigilant about noises that go bump in the night. The little guy only weighs about 8 lbs and he sleeps in bed with me. So imagine some typical noises happening at 2 in the morning, he races off of the bed and practically breaks his little legs because he's moving so fast in order to go bark his head off at the phantom at the door. This of course freaks me out, because I think well what if there actually is someone at the door?

I can't open the door to check if someone is at the door, because if there is someone at the door he might come in and kill me. I have no peephole to see if someone is at the door, so instead I lay in bed awake, fretting for hours as to whether someone is actually at the door or not. Last night I just sucked it up, got a kitchen knife and the phone, and peeked my head out the door. Of course all I saw was an empty hallway.

So tonight I'm crossing my fingers that there will be no barking at the door. Hopefully I will get some sleep and be refreshed for my Tuesday. I've planned the following meals:

Breakfast
High fiber cereal with fat free milk (4)

Lunch
Turkey sandwich on wheat (5)
banana (2)
Pudding Cup (1)

Snack (if needed)
Granola bar (2)

Dinner
South Beach Diet Frozen Pizza (6)
Ranch Dressing (2)

Damn Blogger

Ugh! I just finished writing this whole post about goals and planning and how I'm setting goals and trying to plan but nothing is working. And it was deep. I'm telling you it was seriously deep and I just don't know if I can rewrite the whole thing.

Basically it comes down to the fact that I keep talking about all of the things I'm going to do but I'm not doing them. Instead I'm gaining weight. I'm eating mini candy bars. I'm drinking too much wine. And this is all killing me.

I'm not sure if it's something going on with my subconscious, or if it's that I just lack motivation and willpower.

Actually that's a lie. I know it's something more than just the fact that I like chocolate. For some reason I'm terrified to keep going with this whole weight loss thing. I think I'm just scared that once I'm skinny, I won't be happy, and then what am I going to blame everything on? I won't be able to blame it on the fat anymore, and that terrifies me. I need to get things together. I need to quit setting goals and then not sticking to them.

I need to eat right. I need to consider what I want for myself over the long term. Things are hard right now. And I'm not sure how to fix that.

Goals

Things aren't going so well with my eating right now. I gained 2 lbs this week, putting me all the way at 189. I keep making plans and setting goals but I'm not even coming close to sticking to them. I'm getting to the point where I think there really is something subconscious going on with me.

I hear this all the time from other weight loss bloggers, that there's some reason or other why they can't lose weight. And those things are all completely valid. I just never thought I had one. My mom, dad, and sister are all overweight. I just thought I grew up with bad eating habits and I never could get rid of them.

I'm just not sure if that's the case anymore though. I keep setting these goals of doing things I know I can do because I've done them before, but then not an hour later I'm stuffing my face with mini candy bars. And I'm thinking "I shouldn't be doing this" but I'm doing it anyway. It's like some higher power just takes over and I can't compete.

Maybe it's something in my subconscious that wants me to stay this way. Maybe I'm afraid people won't like me in my skinny body. Or that I'll be more appealing to other men and I'm scared of what could happen if people think I'm pretty. Or that I'll still be unhappy but I won't have anything to blame it on. I don't really know.

I know I have a good life. I'm completely in love with the boy. Every day he makes me smile. I have the best dogger in the world and he's practically like my child. I'm close to my family; I see my sisters all the time and I know what's going on in their lives. I have close friends that I know care about me.

But sometimes that's just not enough. And I don't know if anything ever will be. Maybe I'm just destined to always want more. I need to get it together in a number of ways right now. And first that means getting my eating in check.

I'm not going to set goals here right now, because I've done that before and it hasn't happened. Instead I'm just going to do the best I can. And go to the grocery store.

They Came!

Okay I have to make this quick because I have to go to work, but I just wanted to let you all know that everyone showed and a good time was had by all. I don't know why I get so nervous about these things, because they usually work out fine, but I guess that's just who I am.

Off to work today where I'm going to make a major effort to avoid sugar all day. Then I'm heading to the gym, where I think I'll take a class or some sort. I need to check and see what they're offering today, but a class always puts me straight. Have a great day everyone!

Freak Out

Mini freak out going on here. I'm having six girls over for dinner and none of them are here yet. And I cooked! I hate cooking. Why aren't they here? OMG if no one shows I'm going to be really sad. I'll probably sit here and eat all of this food. No I won't . I'll update later and let you know if anyone showed.

Sometimes it's about vanity

So I made a plan. And you might be wondering if I stuck to it. I didn't.

Unfortunately I just plain failed to meet my goals last week. I only went to the gym three times. I didn't get my veggies in most days. And I ate too much sugar.

But I am doing better. I'm under flex points for the week and I made it through the weekend alive. I rode my bike 25 miles on Saturday. I took a yoga class tonight. So I feel like I'm on my way back to hitting those goals. The veggie thing is hard. So is the sugar thing. But that's why they are goals. If they were easy I wouldn't even be talking about them.

So I'm going to keep trying to push these things.

On another note, I'm still not engaged. Believe me Internet, you'll be at least the 20th to know if I am. Work is really busy and filled with lots of tiny women who eat tons of food and don't worry about their weight at all. It's depressing. I guess I get some satisfaction out of the fact that I'm more athletic than most of the women there, but then I get sad again when it's Friday jeans day and they all show up in the cutest little outfits. I'm so petty, I know. But sometimes it's about health. And sometimes it's about vanity. So I'm still pushing. I will lose this weight at some point.

I'm so behind on all of my favorite blogs, so I now plan to use the evening to catch up. I miss you guys!

On Waiting and Not Waiting

I'm finally home after being in Albany all weekend. A good friend got married. The weather was awful, but the wedding was beautiful. The bride looked gorgeous. And it made me think about my wedding. A lot. I'm not yet engaged. But the boy and I have talked about it a lot. And I think it will be happening sooner rather than later. I love him very much and can't imagine spending a day without him.

So I'm thinking that within a year or maybe two at the most, I'll be participating in the whole white dress ritual. It's a milestone in anyone's life, and when I look back on it, I don't want to wish I had lost more weight. I don't want to see those pictures and cringe because I'm fat. These past few months, I haven't really been doing much as far as losing weight goes. I've been working out a lot, yes. But I've also been eating pretty much whatever I want.

I think in the back of my mind I've been waiting to get engaged. I guess I'm thinking once I'm engaged, I'll put my weight loss into high gear. Because I'll have something to shoot for. But you know what? I seriously doubt that will make that much difference. I need to start now. I can't wait until I get engaged. Because I really don't know when that's going to happen. And in the meantime I could gain another 20 lbs. And I just don't want to do that. I want this weight off. Not later. Now.

I have goals. I want to be at 175 by Christmas. I think I can do this.

Over the next 11 weeks, weeks that include Halloween and Thanksgiving, I will be accomplishing the following things:

Work out 4-6 times a week. These workouts will be tough. No wimpy workouts. Wimpy workouts don't produce results.

Eat at least 3 servings of veggies a day. I know this doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it is. My body needs these nutrients.

Eat significantly less sugar. I will not deprive myself, but I will not give in to my dessert habit every day. I do not need a popsicle after dinner every night. I can have a low calorie dessert three nights a week. That is all.

I think if I do these three things and focus on sticking to my points, I should be able to make my goal of 175 by Christmas, and hopefully surpass it. Wish me luck!

I'm back!

I've been slacking on posting. So sorry. Mostly because I've been so busy with work, life, etc.., but partly because I'm sucking it up at this whole weight loss thing. Or if I'm being really honest, this whole weight gain thing. I'm back up to 187.5. Not horrible, but it sucks considering I've been stagnant for about the past 3 months. I've done a lot of exercising, but a lot of eating too. I basically have nothing to show for this blog. It shouldn't really even be considered a weight loss blog at all. It's more of a "Jeni blathering" blog.

That's okay though. I'm not killing myself over this. I'm still progressing and working toward achieving my fitness goals. This weekend we went to the boy's parents house in Dillon (up in the mountains for you non-Coloradans.) I wish I could post pictures, but alas, no digital camera. It was absolutely beautiful though. Leaves were changing, the sun was out, the air was crisp. It was a perfect fall weekend.

We rode 45 miles yesterday. It was awesome. We did a loop around Lake Dillon, then went and did the ride to Breckenridge. We stopped there and had a yummy tuna sandwich for lunch, then came home the same way we started. It was hard. There were hills. Lots of hills. We were in the mountains. And I won't lie. I almost started crying on one big hill.

But I made it without having to be carried home. And I'm so proud of that. I would have never imagined myself riding my bike from Dillon to Breckenridge. But now it's something I can't wait to to do again. In fact I'm looking to do Vail Pass. One thing is for sure though, the altitude really got to me. After the first mile I was seriously winded. Granted that was up a fairly steep incline, but still. It was the first mile.

Even having lived in Denver for years, I was still winded. I guess there's a reason why elite athletes train at high altitudes. 5,280 feet is one thing. But 10,000 is another altogether.

In other news, I'm taking the plunge and joining a fancy gym this week. I can barely afford it, but I'm thinking if I put my money there maybe it won't go to high calorie dinners, etc... I did a trial run of the gym last week, and I'm in love. It's got a pool. And a sauna. And cardio chisel classes. And a pilates studio. It's beautiful. And I'm going to get my money's worth damn it. I've decided to do the triathlon next summer. So treadmill and pool, here I come.

Now if I could only hire a personal chef. Then all would be right with the world. :)

To Triathlon?

Devil Spammers. I'm turning on word verification for comments, sorry y'all. Not that I get that many comments, but I do love them anyway!

Things are okay here, I seriously doubt I'm losing anything this week. In fact I'm not really losing weight right now. I'm okay with it sometimes, and sometimes I'm just flat out annoyed. I'm exercising a ton still, but as fall and winter approach, I'm getting nervous. What happens when it gets cold outside and I can't ride my bike as much? I'm so dedicated to my bike. I just love that feeling I have after I get off my bike and I've burned a zillion calories and I've smashed my fastest time ever. I'm going to get myself some cutesy tights and arm warmers, but there's only so much you can do when there's snow on the ground. I'm sort of dreading it. I love the snow, but I hate those winter blues. Short, dreary days just aren't good for my psyche.

On the other side of things though, I know winter will be a great chance for me to excel in some other sports. If I really do want to do a sprint distance triathlon next summer, I HAVE to figure out how to run. Right now I just kind of waddle along for about a minute at a time. I've thought about doing the couch to 5k program a lot, but running just does not appeal to me the way that cycling does. But strangely, completing a triathlon does appeal to me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not thrilled about hundreds of people who are all faster and stronger and thinner than I am kicking my butt in a race. But after doing the Buffalo Bicycle Classic last week, I know how awesome it feels to finish an organized athletic event.

So I could just stick to cycling, and I'm sure that would be fine. I can concentrate on strength training and elliptical workouts and things of that nature when its too cold to be outside. Or I could try to run. And join a gym with a pool. And I could work toward completing a triathlon. I guess I'm just hesitant to say I'm going to do it, because what if I don't? What if I slack on training and I'm not ready come race time? What if I'm still too fat to run? What if I'm still embarrassed to be seen in public in shorts. These are serious concerns. Things I need to think about.

Blue

Up and down up and down. Back up two pounds this week to 187. I'm bouncing. No doubt this week's gain is due to my total lack of activity. After the long ride this weekend I guess I just didn't feel the need to workout. Or I didn't have time. HONESTLY!

I did get up this morning and do a Firm workout, but by then it was too late. I'm 30 points in the hole flexwise. It wouldn't be that bad if I was overeating healthy food. But I ate pizza twice this week. And I'm contemplating some leftovers right now, even though I'm due to leave for dinner in an hour. I won't eat them. But I want to.

I'm not caring about it all that much right now. I'm tired. Work is really busy. I miss hanging out with my dogger. I miss my boy. I'm going to try to get a good night's sleep tonight and see if that helps. I need to get back on the bike. That'll help too. Have a good Friday all.

The Ride

The Buffalo Bicycle Classic was today. It was tough, but it was awesome! I feel so great! We did the 35 mile ride, and after doing that, I am in just in complete awe of those people that do century rides. Thirty five miles was seriously hard, so I can't imagine what doing a century is like. Maybe next year.

We woke up around 6 and after a breakfast of whole wheat English muffins with peanut butter and honey, we were on the road before 7. We were in the third wave of riders, so we had plenty of time to warm up and mill around after we got up to Boulder. It was so nice to see campus again; I forget how beautiful it is. I loved going to school there.

As this was my first organized ride, I was slightly nervous and didn't sleep very well last night, so I was pretty tired this morning. Once we got on the road though; I was pumped. We started with a gradual uphill that lasted about 5 miles, and by the time we got to the top I was terrified that I wouldn't make it the whole way. My heart rate was up there and I was struggling. Luckily we had a downhill and a nice rest stop coming up, so that helped a lot.

The aid stations were great on the ride, there was tons of fruit and energy drinks and lots of water and sports drink to choose from. The middle part of the ride was awesome; I felt good and I was cruising along. There were lots of uphill climbs, but lots of coasting on the way down too. On one downhill I even hit 38 mph, which for me on a bike is absolutely insane. I was repeating "Please don't die, please don't die" over and over again. Oh yeah, like that's gonna help when I crash my bike at that speed. Luckily (or maybe not) it didn't last very long and we were going back uphill soon enough.

The last 10 miles of the ride were killer. Mostly uphill and in 90 degree heat. By the last mile, I was cranky and snapping at the boy, but luckily he remained calm and my mood didn't ruin it for us. We got to the finish in about 2 hours and 47 minutes, for an average speed of 13.8 mph. Not as fast as I usually ride, but we had a lot of hills to deal with so that's my excuse. I'm just proud that I did it! I love feeling the strength in my legs and knowing how athletic my body is. Finding cycling has been such a blessing for me; it's a sport that I absolutely love and I continually want to do better. I have miles to go, literally!

No Need For Sugar Around Here!

I kicked butt on the no sugar thing today! Of course right now, sitting on the couch watching TV just vegging, is prime sugar time, but I will refrain. It was definitely hard, but not impossible. I'm sure I can do it again. Now if I could only drop five pounds immediately. Wouldn't it be nice?

It is amazing just how much I crave sugar after a meal though. Especially this afternoon after my turkey sandwich and baby carrots; all I wanted was a damn cookie or something. I mean I REALLY wanted a cookie. But I stuck with my banana and I was all good. I made it through. And tonight I'm making some tea and I'll just go to bed early if the cravings get too bad.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm not going to be so strict with myself but I'll probably try it again. It is of course, the season premiere of The O.C., so we're having people over for Mexican food and to watch. I know, I know, I'm a total dork, but it's just so fabulous. I also can't wait for The Biggest Loser next week. Talk about motivation!

Tonight I did a basic ten mile ride, but I really pushed it on the speed. I averaged 16.2 mph in 10 miles, which for me is absolutely awesome. I think I need to do short speed rides like that once in a while to get me out of my comfort zone. I'm riding the Buffalo Bicycle Classic this weekend, only the 35 mile route, but I'm still sort of nervous about it. I've never participated in an organized bike ride like this before, and I think its probably going to be sort of tough. After all, as much as I've progressed over the past couple of months, I'm not exactly Lance Armstrong. But I'm going to do my best. I just got around to registering, but I'll post my donation page tomorrow in case anyone wants to support the University of Colorado Arts and Sciences scholarship fund.

Sugar

I rode to the reservoir yesterday, which means I rode over 60 miles in a Friday to Monday period. Go me! Unfortunately, I probably ate every single calorie that I burned this weekend. Holidays always get me like that.

Today I'm taking the day off from exercise, but I did stick to points all day so that feels good. I even cut down on the Chewy Peps. I still had a few, but I'm making progress. Tomorrow I'm going to try a day without any sugar. I think its going to be hard because I know that even though I keep my calories fairly low most of the time, I'm still completely addicted to sugar.

I've tried low carb diets like Atkins before and I know how hard the initial sugar withdrawal can be, and I always fall off of the wagon if I restrict myself too much. So I'm not going to do that, but I am going to work on cutting out the sugar. It's just wasted calories that I don't really need. I can have a piece of fruit instead.

I do need to keep carbs in my diet, especially with all of the riding I've been doing. I even need some simple sugars sometimes in the middle of a ride. This does not mean ice cream after dinner. Nope. A little treat once in a while is fine. But I've become accustomed to dessert after dinner and that is just not going to work.

So tomorrow is just one day without sugar. Wish me luck.

Things I Know

I am obsessed with Chewy Peps. Have you ever had one? They these hard peppermint candies that slowly become chewy as you suck on them. They are delicious and I eat way too many of them. I think for some reason I don't think of mints as candy. But all they really are is sugar. So I need to chill on the Chewy Peps.

This weekend has gone quite well so far aside from the fact that I've eaten more food than I should have. I've ridden almost 40 miles so far, I've avoided alcohol, and I'm sleeping well. The food thing is a struggle (what is it with me and nachos?), but today I'm feeling optimistic about my future. I like to look back on the positive changes I've made when I'm feeling guilty about this or that; it helps me remember that although I'm not perfect I've come a long way.

I've probably written some other version of this post before, but it helps me out so I'm going to do it again.

I now know what a proper portion size is, and my portion sizes are consistently smaller than they once were. I now crave exercise, where before I used to dread it. I know my body. I know my body like I know the back of my hand if that isn't too cliche for you. I'm extremely in tune with how I feel if I've eaten too much sugar, or too much fat, or pushed myself too hard or not hard enough in my workouts.

Good nutrition and healthy eating; they are part of my life now. And although sometimes I want to drop to the floor and kick and scream rather than eat one single vegetable, I've moved beyond that. Things are good. I'm not perfect. I may never be. But I'm doing okay.

Once again...

186.5. Wow. This sucks. Gained two weeks in a row. And lost a big fat nada for Renee's challenge.

Was I really committed? Probably not. But I'm not beating myself up. I'm just going to keep doing what I can do and hope it kicks in at some point.

My life is good right now. I have an awesome bike which provides a kick-ass workout. I have a nice hot shower. I have a couch and snacks and college football. I have the luxury of knowing that all of my friends and family are okay.

I know I have all of these things, and I cherish them even more as the news about Katrina's devastation grows ever worse. I feel so awful for everyone affected. I just can't imagine how difficult it must be.

My thoughts are with you right now.